The Drinks that Muggles Make
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Lucius can't help but enjoy some Muggle drinks. But like everything, too much of a good thing may not always work out well. He learns this the hard way. Humor! Follows 'Secret Dessert' in the Lucius Series.


**Author's Note:** _It's been a while – I know – for a humor fic. Fear not, here's a new one. Artemis Arcturus was feeling the need for another crazy moment in the lives of the Malfoys, and the demands have been granted. Whether they're met or not is an entirely different matter. Enjoy reading, everyone! Leave a review, but keep flames to yourself. Thanks. ~ RK _

**The Drinks that Muggles Make**

It was days like this that Lucius Malfoy felt like it was his birthday. Earlier today he was reclining in his usual chair near the fireplace, Death always lingering nearby, and Draco sitting in the other chair across from him. Lucius calmly and elegantly sipped from his brandy glass as he stared at the fire, dreading what disgusting concoction his wife was cooking up in the kitchen for dinner. He never forgot that first time she tried that awful recipe she'd gotten from Goyle's wife.

"_Here, darling," Narcissa cooed at Lucius as she lowered the steaming platter of…mystery meat was actually an appropriate guess in this case…onto the dining room table. _

"_What is that?" Lucius whispered in horror, staring at what he assumed was to be their entrée for tonight. He distantly registered Draco's face becoming greener and greener with nausea. _

"_The recipe called it 'Meatloaf,'" she said as she sat down. _

_Lucius stared at it. It certainly was a loaf…but whether it was actually meat could be a whole different matter in his opinion. Draco strained his neck as he tried to peer at it. Soon enough, Narcissa had gotten it served on their dishes and they were – with the attempting chef as the only exception – gingerly trying to muscle through eating it. Then, Lucius leaned forward and pulled…what seemed to be a sodden piece of fabric from his meatloaf. When he had it dangling limply from his fork, he looked at Narcissa. "Dear," he said in a voice feigned cheer. She looked up at him expecting a compliment. "Why in everything that is not Muggle did you think cooking my new handkerchief into the meal was a clever idea?" _

_Draco snorted and found himself half choking on his food. He hurriedly grabbed the glass of water to help out his struggling throat. There was no way he was going to go down as the Boy Killed by Meatloaf. Soon enough, he recovered. _

_Narcissa's smile faltered for just a moment before her mouth worked trying to find words but seeming to fail spectacularly. Instead, her son answered for her. _

"_I'd say it's a new approach to fine dining, Father." _

_Lucius glared at him as he tilted the fork, the ruined bit of handkerchief landing on the plate with a dull, wet plop. _

Since then, while she may not have done something so completely moronic, her meals were still just barely edible. Lucius was actually surprised that he and his son did not develop bodies resistant to all evils by simply surviving this cooking. Maybe he could test it with a killing curse later. He wasn't sure which would be worse – eating Narcissa's monstrosities or being on the receiving end of the dreaded Avada Kedavra.

Dimly, he heard his front door open. After a few more minutes it closed again. He heard a familiar pair of footsteps, which he'd never before been anything remotely approaching happy about hearing. And for a moment, Lucius thought it was his birthday. The owner of the footsteps appeared in the doorway, seemingly intent on walking right past the door, but Lucius was not having that! He stood up and in only two large strides he met the other and smiled down in an expression mixed between happiness and cruelty.

"Hello, Dobby!" The little house elf looked up at the blonde wizard with his big tennis ball eyes. "It's so nice to have you back where you belong." For a second, Lucius wasn't sure if he was being mean or genuine about that.

Dobby was about to respond when all of a sudden the rest of the doorway was taken up by a rather disheveled Narcissa Malfoy, who stared at the elf with huge, glassy eyes of her own. "Dobby!" she cried. "I'm so happy you're back! I don't have to cook anymore!"

"Thankfully," muttered Draco in his armchair, having no desire to make it known to anyone else that he too was secretly excited at the return of Dobby.

Then, Lucius felt the urge to celebrate, and the only way he knew how to do this best at the moment was to return to a much missed routine: ordering around his house elf. "Dobby, fetch me my kool-aid." He ignored the odd expressions that Narcissa and Draco were giving him.

"What's kool-aid, dearest?" she asked.

At the same time, Draco said, "Isn't that a…a Muggle drink, father?"

Lucius whipped around to face his son, his hair streaming gloriously with his movement, and swiped his hand across his throat in the "cut-it-out" gesture. Draco understood and his jaw snapped shut. Lucius turned back to his wife.

"A Muggle drink?" she repeated in disbelief.

For a moment, Lucius forgot that Dobby was even standing between them when he responded testily. "If I find a little bit of satisfaction with a very sugar-loaded, sweet, and fruit-flavoured Muggle beverage every once in a while, who's going to mind?"

Narcissa tilted her head and shot back, "The Dark Lord, maybe?"

Lucius stiffened. "He won't find out."

"Dobby can tell," the elf piped up from a few feet below them. Both Narcissa's and Lucius's heads jerked downwards to stare at him. Dobby cowered into himself. "But Dobby wouldn't set foot near the Death Eaters. Dobby doesn't want to be forced back here."

"Forced," Lucius growled, "back here?"

The house elf nodded. "Dobby did not come back here to work for you, sir, but to take his only possession with him."

"What?" Even Draco was interested now. He'd gotten off his chair to hear this one. He remembered the last time Dobby and his father argued and his father's shame at being "defeated by something barely bigger than my foot!"

"But Dobby knows what kool-aid is. Dobby brings it to the Headmaster of Hogwarts when he is very tired and needs some quick energy."

The only thing Lucius registered about that statement was that he had something in common with Albus Dumbledore. However, like most times someone craves a very specific food, Lucius was willing to put that terrifying thought aside. "Dobby!" he barked out. "I know you know where it is!" Dobby simply smiled at Lucius. Then, Lucius's temper flared. "Accio cane!" His black shafted, silver snake headed cane soared into his waiting hand. In the same instant, Lucius brought the cane down onto the former servant with a solid _thwack!_ "Go and find it, Dobby!"

Dobby escaped the torture of the cane as quickly as he could. Lucius watched with a twistedly pleased – for being able to beat on Dobby again – yet excited – for his kool-aid – expression as he said, "In the event that he cannot manage to find the elusive kool-aid, Draco..." He trailed off until he had his son's attention. "You will make a new pitcher of it."

"What?" protested the teenager.

"Honey, is that really necessary?"

"Yes!" roared Lucius as he slammed the end of his cane onto the floor for a good intimidation factor. He was still the man of the household, damnit! His word was still law. "_Someone_ is going to do the work around this house, and it _certainly_ will _not_ be me!"

"Or me," said Narcissa. When Lucius gave her a look that reminded her of her dementedly sadistic sister, she amended her words. "Except for the cooking."

Lucius spun to face his son. "That leaves you, Draco."

For a moment, the boy stared in astonishment at his father, before mumbling under his breath as he retreated towards the chair to sulk, "My life sucks."

However, it wasn't quiet enough. Draco heard his father draw forth his wand from the cane's shaft which he instantly tossed aside as he exploded vocally. "What did you say, Draco?"

He whirled around to look at his father with the beginnings of fear. "Uh…"

Lucius advanced on Draco, his wand raised menacingly. "Avada!"

Narcissa threw herself dramatically in front of her husband, blocking his path toward the dumbfounded and staring Draco. "No!"

Lucius didn't even spare her a glance as his free hand latched onto Narcissa's upper arm. "Out of my way, you crazy woman!"

Their brawl was interrupted by the fireplace bursting into green flames. It burst to life so suddenly and distractedly that Draco threw himself into the chair and cowered, whimpering pathetically until he saw a familiar person step through.

It was Severus Snape…

…who took in the uproar between the Malfoy family in a split second before he sighed, shaking his head. "Oh, sweet Merlin, this is worse than Bella's antics," he groaned to no one. He raised his wand towards Lucius, who – like his wife – was staring at Snape like a deer when it realized it was about to die as it looked at the hunter. "Obliviate the desire for kool-aid." A jet of light shot out of Snape's wand and hit Lucius in the face. The blonde man blinked dazedly for a minute or two before his eyes cleared, he released the firm grip on Narcissa, and he lowered his wand. He sank into his vacated chair, looking completely confused.

"When did you arrive, Snape?"

Severus gazed for a moment at Lucius, before turning his eyes to Draco, who smiled conspiringly back at him. It was like they shared a secret of which Lucius was completely unaware. Severus reached into his robes and revealed a small vial of…something. "Here, Lucius." He held it out to the blonde, who looked at it suspiciously. "It's a calming draught."

Lucius shrugged then drank it. Things were quiet in the sitting room at Malfoy Manor until the sound of little feet – and certainly not human feet – came into the room. Then, a somewhat timid voice spoke from near Lucius's elbow. "Dobby has found the kool-aid, sir."

By the way Lucius reacted it was as though Dobby had just tried to offer him poison! He flung his arm out to catch the goblet, which flew across the room as effectively as a banishing charm, only to have the sugary, colored drink splash all over the pristine cream satin curtains in the room, dyeing them an obscene bright blue! The goblet fell to the floor with a loud clatter. Lucius's eyes did everything but actually shoot fire at the elf. "You…you…"

As Lucius sputtered for something so insulting and degrading to say to Dobby, Severus summoned the rejected goblet to his hand. He quickly cleaned the liquid from it with a simple, "Evanesco," before he summoned another drink into it.

Then, he forced the goblet into Lucius's hand. This new action distracted the blonde man like dangling a shiny object in a fish's view, or a catnip filled mouse in front of a cat. Lucius stared at it, trying to figure out what it was in his goblet. All he managed to say was, "Why is this beverage…pink?"

Severus raised an eyebrow at his friend. "It's milk."

Lucius snorted, still looking at the pink drink. "Well, the last time I checked, Snape, milk was _not_ pink!"

"Strawberry."

Lucius finally lifted his gaze to Severus, a spark of interest in his eyes. "Really? How did you discover this one?"

Severus waited until Lucius was sipping hesitantly from the goblet. "I used to drink it as a child. I did live in a Muggle neighborhood growing up."

Lucius's eyes darted to Snape over the rim of the goblet. "Really?" Ignoring Snape's nod, Lucius drained the rest of the liquid from the goblet. He closed his eyes as he tried to hold onto the flavour in his memory like after he tasted his good brandy after a difficult Muggle-torturing session at a Death Eater meeting. "Well, for a Muggle drink it is very…" He searched for the right word. "Delectable." He looked into the goblet as though he wished there was more strawberry milk in it. "Even Muggles have their uses at times, I suppose."

Then, he dropped the goblet as the dark mark on his arm began to burn. He also saw Snape gripping his arm. "We should go."

Lucius hauled himself to his feet and met Severus as they made their way to the front door so that they could clear the wards and apparate to the Death Eater meeting that was apparently being convened. Just as Snape conjured up their masks and transfigured their robes, Lucius heard Narcissa's overly cheerful voice from behind them. "Will you be home for dinner?"

Lucius looked at her with a grimace, dreading what she was going to try to get him to eat. He caught sight of Draco, who stood just behind Narcissa with a look of utter desperation. Lucius understood that expression to mean, 'Please don't leave me to suffer this by myself!' and he nodded before smiling as kindly at his wife as possible. "Of course, darling, I'll be back for…dinner." He choked on the last word.

He urged Severus out of the house, through the wards, and then they apparated away to wherever their lord decided to have this meeting.

When Voldemort was patrolling the gathered circle of his followers and stopped at Lucius, whose mouth was visible with his half-skull mask, the blonde didn't know the reason until Voldemort abruptly stopped talking to ask him, "Why did you paint a mustache on your face, my slippery friend?"

Lucius saw Snape's eyes bulge as he tried to contain a snicker. It was only after being Crucio'd for trying to play a joke on his lord, and after he forced Snape to stay for dinner when they returned from the meeting in revenge for what Lucius was convinced was a set-up to make him look foolish that Severus informed him of a consequence of drinking strawberry milk – or rather any milk.

The milk moustache.

_Thanks for reading, everyone! Hope you enjoyed the silliness. Pay me with reviews! They make me happy. Thanks! ~ RK _


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